theSketchDb

Apology Press Conference

Gilly and Keeves

6 1 rating

Sketch Info

A golf champion comes clean.

Quotes

0:41
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

There's something I need to say. I have not been getting as much pussy as I've said.

1:09
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

Many of you have seen this picture of me at the strip club. This was not me. This is what I was doing that day. That picture at the strip club is actually my manager. Henry.

1:28
Henry (Hank Foley)

Chaz, come on, man.

1:29
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

Henry's taking more pussy from me than anybody could ask.

1:37
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

For a long time, I played into the rumor that Jessica Alba and I had sex. But what really happened that night in the hotel was this. Jessica texted me. She said, hey, I'm in room 402, and this hot tub feels a little empty. To which I responded, I'm in room 506 watching Beetlejuice.

2:03
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

It's not every day that guys that look like me, average guys, are offered the top-notch primo box that I've been offered and turned down. And for that, I apologize to all the fellas out there. I'm sorry I let you down.

2:31
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

My first, and now only sponsor, Dave's lazy lube has decided to stick with me and believes that deep down I could always be the pussy hound that I claimed I was. Dave's lazy lube - stick with you, but not to you.

3:35
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

I want to kiss porn stars on the mouth in front of strangers at the Panera Bread.

3:40
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

I want to get, like, a waitress or something pregnant, and then have to like, settle and give her a large amount of money out of court. And then one day, my illegitimate boy is older. He can look back and be proud. He can be proud of his father.

3:58
Stan Chaz (Shane Gillis)

And then Dave's Lazy Lube - for when you got a whole lot of hard on, but not a lot of time.