theSketchDb

Doobs

JakeandAmir

8 1 rating

Sketch Info

Quotes

0:05
Amir Blumenfeld

I don't get it, because stay-at-home mom is the politically correct term.

0:07
Jake Hurwitz

Right, but you yelled, stay-at-home mom, and you were talking to my mom.

0:10
Amir Blumenfeld

I will never understand. Holy shit, doobs is here.

0:13
Jake Hurwitz

What?

0:14
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Hello, Amir.

0:15
Amir Blumenfeld

Doobs.

0:16
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

My name is Penis Anthony Dublinier.

0:16
Jake Hurwitz

Doobs?

0:20
Jake Hurwitz

And the nickname you gave him to make fun of him was Doobs?

0:22
Amir Blumenfeld

Pretty funny, right? It's like his last name, but shorter.

0:25
Jake Hurwitz

What's he doing here?

0:26
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

I, Penis Anthony Dublinier.

0:29
Jake Hurwitz

We heard your name.

0:29
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Was next door neighbors with Amir while growing up. And although his father managed to kiss a lot of people on the mouth.

0:35
Amir Blumenfeld

No.

0:35
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

And move around everywhere. Amir managed to make my life a living hell.

0:41
Amir Blumenfeld

So why are you here, Doobs?

0:43
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

I finally made it. Not but 20 minutes ago, I have officially auditioned for a Broadway musical.

0:50
Jake Hurwitz

Wow, did you book it?

0:51
Amir Blumenfeld

We won't know for a couple of weeks, but they flat out told me in the room, nooo.

0:55
Jake Hurwitz

So you do know right now. Why did you come here?

0:58
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

To tell Amir that I've made it.

1:01
Jake Hurwitz

As what? A failed actor?

1:02
Amir Blumenfeld

As somebody with the audacity and heart to go after what they love.

1:06
Jake Hurwitz

Wait, why are you taking his side now?

1:08
Amir Blumenfeld

Cause he's got moxie. You know what moxie is? This is mine.

1:11
Jake Hurwitz

That's your dick.

1:12
Amir Blumenfeld

I wish I had a fork and a knife to eat every single word I've ever spoken to you, but instead all I have are these chopsticks.

1:18
Jake Hurwitz

How?

1:18
Amir Blumenfeld

So I'm just gonna eat the big words and eventually I'll shamefully ask for a spoon and scoop the small words into my mouth.

1:24
Jake Hurwitz

Why are you so jealous of him? You have a good job.

1:26
Amir Blumenfeld

Yeah, but I don't have the newt sack to audition for legit Broadway musicals.

1:29
Jake Hurwitz

You've auditioned for many musicals.

1:31
Amir Blumenfeld

Oh, Cats doesn't count.

1:32
Jake Hurwitz

Penis, what did you audition for?

1:33
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Cats!

1:35
Amir Blumenfeld

Mmm, that hurts.

1:36
Jake Hurwitz

Okay, you know what? Maybe you guys don't hate each other because you're so different, but you in fact hate each other because you're actually really-

1:42
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch), (Amir Blumenfeld)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.