theSketchDb

Movie Date

JakeandAmir

8 1 rating

Sketch Info

Independent ladies love independent films.

Quotes

0:09
Date (Milana Vayntrub)

Thanks for coming. Nobody ever wants to see indie movies anymore.

0:12
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Yeah, right, man. I love indie movies. Like, um, there's this one called Memento that I really dug. It was like, everybody says it's backwards, but personally, I liked it.

0:21
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Hi, sorry, sorry.

0:23
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

I'm on a date.

0:24
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Double date.

0:25
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

How on earth is this a double date? You didn't bring anyone.

0:27
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

I thought you said you were gonna split this chick in half.

0:29
Date (Milana Vayntrub)

Jake!

0:30
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Baduh, baduh! Let's all go to the movies. Let's all go to the movies. Let's all go to the movies and get ourselves a-

0:43
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Ow!

0:44
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Snack is the word, not ouch.

0:45
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a man you've never seen before with a very ordinary name and a very regular occupation. I'm obviously, I am a um...

0:54
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Usher.

0:55
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Usher, not this Usher. You don't want to see me dance all the time. I don't know his songs. I don't know him, but a different Usher. Ushering men and women towards the bathrooms.

1:04
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Can you stop, we know you.

1:05
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

But you've never met me before in your entire life.

1:07
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Yes I have. You always make up some weird name.

1:10
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Jake, you're being insane.

1:11
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

You know my name.

1:12
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Yeah, because maybe I have sucked on that- I don't know you. What I can tell you is I have a very ordinary name much like everybody else in the world.

1:20
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

What is it?

1:21
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

You want to know my name?

1:21
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Yep.

1:22
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Right now?

1:23
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Yes.

1:23
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Sulu Candles.

1:27
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Sulu candles?

1:28
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Who would have thunk it?

1:29
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

That's not a normal name at all.

1:31
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Today what we have for you is something very unique, very special. We have an independent movie, and in the audience, we have the director, the writer, its producer, and its costar. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the sensational Mr.-

1:48
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Penis Scarlett Johansson Anal.

1:52
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Good luck making fun of that, Asquirge.

1:54
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

No.

1:55
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Yes.

1:56
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Sorry Scar Jo!

1:57
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Curse you!

2:00
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Scar Jo is not bad. You know, if you took out Scarlett Johansson, your name is just Penis Anal.

2:04
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Oh, I would love to be just Penis Anal.

2:06
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

And I'd love to take out Scarlett Johansson.

2:08
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

I hope there is a bowl filled to the brim with eggs all over your stupid face. I offered you this part of the lead 10 years ago, and you turned it down.

2:18
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

The script was poor.

2:19
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Well, now I'm filthy stinking rich when this thing gets released to the public, and I hope it bites you on your filthy little ass, just like your father did to me with his tiny, spindly little eggs.

2:29
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Your Dad bit him on the ass with his leg?

2:32
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Jakey Jakey eggs and stupid. No no no! Just because those lips are super good at munching on some D doesn't mean they can ask questions.

2:40
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

There will be a question and answer at the end. No more questions. Ever again. I have a question!

2:45
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Yes, you the bellhop.

2:46
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

How thin Are Amir's father's legs?

2:49
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Nightmarishly thin. Three centimeters in diameter. No bones, just blood and skin. He wrapped them around my waist like a limp garden hose. And no matter how hard I struggled to get free, he put them tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor. Or worse still, a garden snake.

3:05
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

You know, I still have dreams about them.

3:07
Amir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Nightmares?

3:08
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

No, Asmears. Dreams.

3:11
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Would you like a snack?

3:12
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

I'd love one.

3:13
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Up.

3:14
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Alley oop.

3:15
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

Ladies and gentlemen, to the three people in the audience and the dozens and dozens of people who refused to show up.

3:15
Jake (Jake Hurwitz)

Ow.

3:21
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

Sold out!

3:22
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

We present to you a movie that will rock the mushroom off your dick.

3:26
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

And the veins.

3:26
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

And the shaft.

3:28
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

And the sack.

3:29
Usher (Ben Schwartz)

And the balls.

3:31
Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

And the pussies.

3:34
Usher (Ben Schwartz), Doobs (Thomas Middleditch)

We present to you Silver Linings Gamebook starring Bradley Pupa and one Penis Scarlet Johansson Anal. Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies. Let's go out to the movies.

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