Sketch Info
In home room, Steven (Trevor) talks about his parents' divorce.
Cast & Characters
Steven
Trevor Moore
· Cast
Teacher
Zach Cregger
· Cast
Timmy
Timmy Williams
· Cast
Darren
Darren Trumeter
· Cast
Quotes
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
I'd like to welcome everybody back from summer vacation to another exciting semester of class. Before we get started, did anyone have any exciting stories they wanted to share about their summer breaks?
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Well, mom and dad's divorce isn't going so well.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
And I see that Steven is back again this year. Hello, Steven.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Things are getting pretty ugly, and dad lost his job because he showed up at mom's house, which is against the law.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
That's great, Steven. That's great.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Dad also has to go to court because he beat up one of mom's boyfriends at the gas station, but it was okay because mom had four different boyfriends this summer and they all stayed over.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
Wonderful, Steven!
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Dad says she's really showing her true colors and he wouldn't be surprised if she dies of AIDS.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
Steven! Maybe this isn't the best conversation for us to be having in the middle of class.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
You know, I thought about that, but then my psychiatrist said I should talk about it whenever I can, and since you guys are really the only family I have left, it's kind of like I'm confiding in my comfort circle.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
I can't believe I have another year of this.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
The big question right now is who I'm going to live with. Mom and dad are both accusing each other of substance abuse and endangering the welfare of a child, and to be honest, they both have solid, solid cases.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
Did anyone else do anything special over break? Sam.
Sam (Sam Brown)
Well, my parents brought me out to Montauk.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Oh, my God, that sounds so nice. The last time my parents went anywhere together is because my dad tried to kidnap my mom and take her to Louisiana against her will.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
Steven, I would like to hear from the other students now. Darren.
Darren (Darren Trumeter)
Uh, yeah, I also went to the beach, and I asked my girlfriend to marry me, and she said yes because I'm 26 years old and in law school.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Wow, that's really nice, Darren, but you shouldn't marry her if you only said yes because you're in law school, because it's really not enough foundation to make a marriage last. And trust me, it is really hard to make a marriage last in today's times, what with conflicting schedules, financial burdens, crystal meth.
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
Steven!
Darren (Darren Trumeter)
How does he get good grades?
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
I don't know, but he is a borderline genius when it comes to nuptial contracts and estate settlements.
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Hey, you guys want to hear a song I wrote about my parents?
Sam, Timmy, Darren
No!
Steven (Trevor Moore)
Well! Well, my mom hates my dad, and my dad hates my mom, and my mom hates my dad, and my dad hates my mom, but I hope they get together again someday. But I don't think they will because my mom shot my dad's car!
Teacher (Zach Cregger)
Son of a bitch, Steven.