Mountain of Chairs

Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight. Now, I know that before today, you have been left in the charge of a babysitter. However, today is your thirteenth birthday.

It is? Well, what day is it? Let me write it down. Let me find a pen.

Timmy, shush! Now, since you are thirteen years old, Your mother and I-

Ah!

Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight. I have left the number of the theater on the refrigerator. I have informed our neighbor, Mr. Gludge, that you will be left unattended. Should any emergencies arise, you are to go directly to him.

We will return at 1130. I expect you in bed, asleep, teeth cleaned, homework done.

Retainer in-

Shush! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically in the form of a handshake.

Wow, my father's hand. It feels just like I thought it would

Happy birthday, son.

Thank you, sir.

Yes. Gloria?

Sweeet! I'm gonna live on a mountain of chairs. I'm gonna live on a mountain of chairs. Mom and Dad are gone and nobody cares, so I'm gonna live on a mountain of chairs. I'm gonna live on a mountain of chairs. I'm gonna live on a mountain of chairs. Mom and Dad are gone and nobody cares, so I'm gonna live on a mountain of chairs. Did you hear about the boy that lived on the mountain, the mountain of chairs? I heard that he built the mountain on his birthday. What day is it? We don't know, but his birthday comes every two years, yeah!

Timothy! What have you done! Son! You have been very disobedient.

I know, Father, I'm sorry.

Shush! Tell me, Timmy, have you gone today?

Yes sir, once this morning.

And did you save it as I request?

Yes sir, it's in a plastic bag in my dresser.

Bring me your sin Timothy!

This sin is especially long and dark today.

I know sir, I'm sorry.

What have you done to create such a specimen?

I had a thought about a girl!

Timothy! Because you are 13 years old, you will now be punished as an adult! Extend your left arm, Timothy!

George!

Shush! Gloria! Bring me the device!

Excuse me.

Who are you?

Child Services.

Don't tear my family apart!

Please tear my family apart! I don't know what day my birthday is!

Ahh! You've no right to tell me how to raise my family.

Actually, I do. I see that you completely cut your child off from the outside world, you've taught him that his poop is sin, and I'm seeing some bruises on your wife.

She fell down the stairs!

I'm seeing these things, and they're pretty bad. But that's what I see. It doesn't have to be what I say. Someone's got to stop me from seeing this stuff. I need some blinders.

Are blinders expensive?

About $100 each.

Here's $100.

All right. Now I don't see the wife, but I still see the kid with the poop.

Now I just see you. And now I'm seeing my way to the door. Shine on you crazy Mormons.