Mount Everest

So yeah, you basically just like walk up here, and then you're like come over here, and then basically it's like here you are.

Oh Tenzik, it's magnificent the crest of Mount Everest bless you for your help young Sherpa.

Oh don't mention it. You're like super good explorer like most people would have just like died or gone home, but you're like crazy sexy.

Well, thank you Tenzik. Oh, I'm just going to stand here a moment and soak all of this in.

Oh yeah, you should just, like, take a moment and just, like, try to soak it all in because this'll, like, change your life forever.

Hey, you wanna see something, like, super crazy sexy cool?

Well, sure I do, my fellow adventurer.

Oh, don't even flatter me. You, like, did all the work. You're, like, crazy sexy American action hero.

Well, I guess I was for a moment there when I had to make that jump.

Feels good to be on the top, right? Hah...

Tenzing I think you've just killed a lot of people.

Oh don't worry about it's like super poor fishing community is very unsexy.

Have you done that before?

Uh, only like over 9,000 times. It's so everyday and mundane. I'm so bored I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

Oh, yeah, probably only, like, two or three people ever.

Really?

Yeah, and of all of them, you're, like, definitely the tallest.

Really? The tallest ever to climb Mount Everest?

That's you.

Wow. That means that right now, at this moment, my head is the highest thing that has ever been on the planet Earth.

Oh, my God, you're, like, blowing my mind.

Oh, look at you, you're like racking up the records.

Oh my god, that's so amazing and thrilling to me. You should do this thing with your penis.

What?

All the like super macho Americans, what they do is they like to do this thing where they lie down on the top of Mount Everest and they take out their penis and then they take out their balls and then they're like super excited because everything is under their balls.

Okay, well I don't really think I need to be doing that. Okay.

Oh, yeah, it's like super empowering because then they know that like everything and the entire planet and everything in the entire world is like underneath their penis and balls.

That does sound pretty empowering.

Oh, yeah, why not? Just do it. Be young. Have fun. Stay cool.

Yes, this would make an excellent picture for my mantle.

That's not my problem, Freddie McNerney. That's your problem. Bum bum bum! Another problem you have is that I have this digital camera. And on this camera are pictures of you with your penis and balls out.

It'd be a shame if these pictures were to find their way into my quarterly magazine, Diamond Thieves Quarterly.

My parents read that magazine!

Everyone reads that magazine. It's super crazy sexy.

One week to bring me the world's largest diamond or it's penis and balls in magazine time.

Oh, Freddy, why?

Because I pulled my dick out on Mount Everest and a diamond thief took pictures of it.

Oh my god! I knew something like this would happen!

What? No, dad, you were doing so well!

I don't know! Let me check! Oh, great, it's in a volcano!

I bet if I pulled out my penis right now, it would be the hottest penis in the world!

No, I don't!

People like you think that the devil lives in some sort of abandoned railroad car just traveling from state to state, eating sardines out of a cannon, telling stories to strangers, and petting this scraggly little dog that he has.

Would you please stop that?

See, people like you think that the devil lives in some sort of magical hot air balloon kingdom where he just zooms around on a Segway scooter and watches soap operas and does Sudoku.

Guys, what's going on? Can you get under my dick, please?

Fitting, isn't it? That the devil would finally meet his due here at the summit of Everest?

That is fitting!

Look! To the horizon, Freddy! Eagles approach!

Holy shit, they took the diamond!

Ohhhhhh!

This is fucking crazy!