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I Teached A Whale

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Sketch Info

When Billy (Trevor) tells his class at school that he taught a whale to "jump out of its tail" over the summer, his teacher, Ms. Lambert (Zach) doesn't believe him, and goes out of her way on a wild goose chase in an attempt to prove him wrong.

Quotes

0:13
Darren Trumeter

My brother let me try marijuana.

0:15
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

That's great, Steven.

0:16
Darren Trumeter

It was so awesome, you guys. I'm gonna do it every day for the rest of my life.

0:30
Billy (Trevor Moore)

This summer, I teached a whale to jump out of its tail.

1:15
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

Prove that you taught a whale to jump out of its tail.

1:17
Billy (Trevor Moore)

Uh, okay. How am I gonna prove that here in Ohio? It's not like there's a ton of whales in Akron.

1:39
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

Fuck permission slips!

1:50
Billy (Trevor Moore)

Whatever, Ms. Lame-bert.

1:52
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

That's it. No seatbelt for Billy.

2:34
Timmy Williams

You would have to be like the greatest whale trainer ever born to do something like that.

2:38
Billy (Trevor Moore)

It is as you say.

2:39
Timmy Williams

Oh my god.

3:12
Timmy Williams

He made it about halfway through the basketball court, but he just couldn't get his tail free, so he slowly baked to death there on the asphalt while the local school kids came out and used his body as a bike ramp.

3:24
Billy (Trevor Moore)

I could have taught him how to get away from his tail.

3:35
Timmy Williams

You know a whale's heart is eight times the size of a man's? I heard that Sham Sham finally died when some kid stabbed him in the eye with a ruler. But I think his heart was just too big for this world.

4:22
Darren Trumeter

Dios mio! Only the one foretold in prophecy who could one day unite the eight wandering tribes of Mexico can accomplish such a feat.

4:30
Billy (Trevor Moore)

Behold, I am among you.

4:42
Darren Trumeter

Silly lady, there are no whales in Mexico.

4:45
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

Then why does your sign say Whale World?

4:47
Darren Trumeter

What, that sign right there? That says Wahali World.

4:49
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

What the fuck is a wahale?

4:50
Darren Trumeter

It's kind of like a chalupa. There's whale in it.

5:01
Sam Brown

The ocean, she's crazy. Once saw a dolphin jump out of the water 20 feet. And on its way down, clubbed a girl in the head with a lead pipe.

5:14
Mrs. Lambert (Zach Cregger)

Billy, I am gonna find you a whale.

5:17
Billy (Trevor Moore)

And I'm gonna teach it to jump out of its tail.

5:19
Darren Trumeter

And unite the brethren of the wondering tribes.

5:22
Billy (Trevor Moore)

Maybe...

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