Nail Gun

Boys, boys, settle down, settle down, listen up. Your father and I are going to the store.

To buy lubricant.

Charles!

And amyl nitrate.

You see, boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we begin to grow tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extramarital affairs.

Aw Dad...

Hey, hey, let me finish. So in order to avoid the pitfalls that beset so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial sex.

Oh, come on!

Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole.

Dad, be quiet!

Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad, okay? Everybody's happy. I'm definitely happy. Your mother's not being cheated on, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop. The family's all together.

Dad, go to the store.

Okay, we're going, we're going.

The other perk is, I get to bust in there.

Okay, now boys, we don't want any incidents like last time, alright? We want all of you to be good.

We will, mom.

Be safe, kids.

Nail gun!

Hey Sam, let me shoot an apple off your head.

I don't have an apple on my head.

Haha! Nail gun!

Oh, Trevor, you killed him.

Yeah, killed him with the nail gun!

No, he's really dead, man, look!

Oh man, he's getting blood everywhere.

You're gonna get in so much trouble!

You're gonna get in trouble too, we were both playing with the nail gun.

Doesn't sound right when you say it that way.

We were both playing with the nail gun!

What are we gonna do?

There's gotta be some way we can bring him back to life.

The Necronomicon!

Top shelf, dude. Chapter 18.

Jumanji!

It worked!

I've seen horrible things! I've been to the lake of fire! A second here is a millennia in Hades.

Okay, well, calm down, man. You're okay now.

My dick split open and locusts flew out!

A badger raped me with a thwarted cock!

Ugh, you had anal? Gay.

It was so gay, you have no idea how gay it was!

Well, Sam, you're all right now.

Yeah, be quiet. Mom and Dad are gonna be home any minute.

They turned my rectum inside out and nailed it to a fence post! I drowned in wasps!

Okay, Sam, be quiet.

I gouged my eyes out to stop seeing the horrors, but they only grew back!

Out of my way, I've got a marriage to save!

Every step I took, I stubbed my toe. They only gave me thumbtacks to eat.

That sounds pretty shitty, Sam.

My dick split open, and locusts flew out!

Yeah, you already told us that.

Well, it happened a lot!

Well, boys, am I glowing? Boys, for the rest of the day, do not smell this finger.

The worst part is, since I've been to the world, they can control my body!

Hey! Hey, what's wrong with Sammy?

Nothing!

My soul is merged with all that has died and all that will die!

Hey, that sounds like hell speak. What have you boys been up to in here?

Uh, rehearsing for a play.

Yeah, we're just running lines.

You were running lines? You didn't accidentally kill Sam with the nail gun and have to bring him back from the depths of hell?

No.

Carpe diem! Carpe diem!

Hey, that's Latin! Honey, bring me the holy water!

Fuck my pussy! Fuck my pussy! Fuck my pussy! Fuck my pussy! Ahh ahh!

Okay. Now, you two. I am very upset that you went ahead and killed your brother with a nail gun after we specifically told you to be careful.

However, I am pleased to see that you are smart enough to use the Necronomicon in a pinch.

Now both of you go up to your room, you're grounded for two months.

But Dad!

Sock hop!

I'll sock your hops, now get out of here!

Hold on Sam, we need to have a little chat.

But I wasn't playing with the nail gun.

I'm not talking about the nail gun. Sam, when most people die they go to purgatory. Why is it that you went straight to hell?

I don't know.

Sam.

You have no idea why that might be?

I have pornos.

That's what I thought. Bring them to your mother and I. Well, dear, we've had a pretty eventful day.

We had a nice talk with Zach and Trevor, got a hold of Sam's pornography stash, and I finally got to wriggle inside that sweet, sweet poop shoe to yours.

Yes, you did.

Yeah, I did.

You should go check out the toilet. I just shit it out.

Oh, frosted turd!