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Sniper Business

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Sketch Info

Jenkins (Zach) is warned by his war-hungry boss Mr. Welburn (Trevor) that there's a sniper on the roof of the headquarters of rival company Bergman-Sachs’ building across the street - hired to prevent a merger between the two corporations. A shocked and confused Jenkins watches his boss teach him how to handle these matters, by equipping a sniper rifle and taking down the sniper at Bergman-Sachs.

Quotes

0:03
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

Mr. Welburn, I had a question about my...

0:08
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Jenkins, get down!

0:10
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

What?

0:11
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Get down, for God's sakes!

0:40
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

I had to claw my way to the top. Might have stepped on a few fingers and toes. Heck, may have even slit a few throats along the way. But that's business.

0:51
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

I forged this corporation with my own blood and sweat. And it cost me two marriages, one heart attack, and every weekend of my life to get this company where it is today. And this morning I walk into my office and the sons of bitches over at Bergman Sachs put a sniper on the roof.

1:07
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

Come again, sir?

1:08
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

A sniper. Trained killer specializing in long distances. Quiet, stealthy, but above all else, patient.

1:44
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

I'm gonna need you to pop up and give me a 20 on them.

1:47
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

What?

1:48
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

I know he's on the 75th floor, but I can't figure out if he's the third or fourth window from the left.

1:52
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

Um, okay.

1:54
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Now don't worry. He's got a bead on me, so if you're quick, he won't have enough time to readjust. Now, go.

2:02
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

Oh my God, you're right. Oh my God, you're right. Holy smokes, he's the third window from the left.

2:08
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Julie, could you send in one of the interns, please? You see, everything worthwhile takes sacrifice. You'd be good to remember that. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

2:19
Intern (Timmy Williams)

More coffee, sir?

2:23
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

Jesus!

2:52
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Calvin, you son of a bitch! Nice try with that sniper!

2:56
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Yeah, you took out one of my coffee boys. I'll bet I scooped his head clear off.

3:00
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Now let's get down to brass tacks. This merger's going through whether you like it or not, but how much is it gonna cost to keep you from tying things up in the trade commission?

3:10
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Flash bomb.

3:59
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

Now, what was it that you came in here for?

4:04
Jenkins (Zach Cregger)

My brother's getting married in two weeks and I was wondering if I could have that Friday as a vacation day. Would you sign my slip?

4:11
Mr. Welburn (Trevor Moore)

No.

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