theSketchDb

Militia Funeral

Gilly and Keeves

7 1 rating

Sketch Info

Quotes

0:04
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Well, Jerry's dead. We're gonna miss him. He was a good brother. I served with him. He fought alongside me at the Costco in Virginia. We were blocking looters.

0:15
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

You know, a lot of us were there. Some of us had to work.

0:21
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

I did. I had to work.

0:22
Militia Member (John McKeever)

You couldn't take a vacation?

0:24
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

No. I used them all.

0:26
Militia Member (John McKeever)

On what?

0:27
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

Well, as you recall, I came down with mononucleosis, and that took me out for about five days. I passed it to my wife, Cheryl. And she's big, so when she gets sick, she gets sick.

0:37
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Shut up, Glenn.

0:38
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

I don't know why you keep bringing it up. I thought we covered it.

0:41
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

I want to thank Matt for putting together this fine casket, American-made. Made it out of fucking wood he found around here in America.

0:49
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

One thing Jerry hated the most, and he said it to me before he passed, he said, make sure my casket's not made out of Chinese bullshit. I said, I fucking promise.

0:56
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Jerry's fine-ass wife, Terry, is in attendance. As is custom, we'd like to present the wife of a fallen soldier with a folded... American flag.

1:06
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

Bring that to me.

1:07
Militia Member (John McKeever)

It's the top corner. Keep it in there.

1:08
Militia Member (Tim Butterly)

This corner.

1:09
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

There you go.

1:10
Militia Member (Tim Butterly)

And then this one under.

1:12
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

Bring that under. I'm coming under.

1:13
Militia Member (Tim Butterly)

No, this one goes under.

1:14
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

I'm coming under there to meet you.

1:17
Bear Militia Member (Jake Mattera)

Jerry, we sit here and cry while you sit in an Applebee's with God in the sky.

1:24
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

It's out of tune.

1:26
Bear Militia Member (Jake Mattera)

It's always App Wednesdays and Endless Pints.

1:33
Militia Member, Jerry's Wife, Militia Leader, Militia Member

Hey!

1:37
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

Enough!

1:38
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Excuse me!

1:40
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

What's up?

1:41
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Can you shut the fuck up, please?

1:42
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

Turn it off, or I'll shut it off!

1:44
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

We're in the middle of something.

1:46
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

What, is this some type of play?

1:48
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

What this is a play? No! What, do we look like fucking lesbians to you?

1:52
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

Yeah, you actually do.

1:53
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

No, this is a service for a fallen troop.

1:56
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

Oh, we're doing the same thing. Our buddy smashed into this tree yesterday.

1:59
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

No, what you guys are doing is a lot different. This is troops.

2:02
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

What y'all, military?

2:04
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Yeah, I mean, yeah, pretty much.

2:05
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

Pretty much.

2:07
Militia Member (John McKeever)

I was in the Navy for a couple weeks. They tossed me out, though, because I couldn't swim. I tried to join the Air Force. There were psychological issues that I was running into, a couple walls. And then I got catfished by ISIS... what was your question?

2:22
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

Troops.

2:23
Militia Member (John McKeever)

Yes, troops.

2:24
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

Man, y'all a gang, man.

2:27
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

Yeah, right.

2:28
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

We're not gang. This is troops!

2:31
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

The government give you those guns?

2:34
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

No.

2:35
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

Yeah, because you're a gang.

2:36
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

Exactly. Where do y'all even meet?

2:38
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

We used to meet over at Jerry's, but we're gonna have to switch out probably like Glenn's, probably Glenn's garage or something.

2:43
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

Oh, wait a minute. My trains are in there.

2:44
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

All right, Glenn, maybe it's time to move your fucking train set. It's embarrassing.

2:48
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

You're a gang.

2:49
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

You're a gang!

2:50
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

You're a gang.

2:51
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

How can we be a gang? We're white!

2:52
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

It is what it is.

2:53
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

This is a well-regulated militia. We're the free men of Mechanicsburg.

2:59
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

Say our name, boy.

3:02
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

Chill, not right now.

3:03
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

Aye, we're the Turtles.

3:07
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

The turtles? That's cute.

3:11
Militia Member (John McKeever)

Turtles? Oh, cool, man.

3:13
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

What are you laughing at fat Matrix?

3:19
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Oh, now you got him started! That was the last thing you wanted.

3:23
Turtles Member (Reggie Conquest)

Are you making that noise with your mouth?

3:25
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Yeah, you wanna fucking talk shit?

3:26
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

Damn, I thought that casket was fucked up, but who did you your hair?

3:29
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

This haircut's more than your fucking life, pussy!

3:31
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

Nice bowl cut, Chuckie.

3:32
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

You make fun of my hair in front of my friends! I'll fucking kill you!

3:36
Turtles Member (Anthony Moore)

What's up, what y'all wanna do?

3:37
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Do you wanna fucking go?

3:38
Militia Member (John McKeever)

Wanna start something?

3:40
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Don't make me call the dogs on you! Soldiers!

3:42
Militia Member (John McKeever)

This is it. Holy shit, this is it.

3:44
Militia Member (Matt McCusker)

Come on, come on now. Let's go, let's go. Come on.

3:51
Militia Member (Steve Gerben)

Okay, everybody hydrate!

3:54
Bear Militia Member (Jake Mattera)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, guys, come on, let's settle down, okay? We're not that different than each other, you know? We're all here to remember a fallen hero.

4:04
Bear Militia Member (Jake Mattera)

It doesn't matter if your guy got hit by a tree, Or if our guy got beat to death by a couple of teens at Walgreens.

4:10
Militia Leader (Shane Gillis)

Actually, it was Walmart.

4:11
Bear Militia Member (Jake Mattera)

Walmart. We're all the same. As far as I'm concerned, this is sacred ground. For all of us. And I'll be damned if-

4:34
Hunter (Ryan Shaner)

You guys alright? That bear was coming right for you! You guys good? You okay?

4:42
Hunter (Ryan Shaner)

Oh, fuck, that is a dude. That is a fucking dude. Oh, fuck.