Landmine Factory

I just needed to find a job, but the market's crap right now, so I ended up working here.

Well, it's not so bad. It's good, honest living. Go home at the end of the day feeling like you did something good.

It's a landmine factory.

What, are you a vegetarian?

All you gotta do is you place the charge, arm the detonator, and pull the hammer down. That's it. Just make sure that bad boy didn't fly back up because, uh, whoa daddy.

Well, no, no, no, no. This is the easiest thing in the world. Here, go ahead. We'll walk with... I'll do one together with you here. Pull the chain.

All right. I'll talk you through it. Place that charge. Very nice. Now attach that detonator. There you go. Push the hammer down, and...

Ahhhh!

Yeah, that was good.

What is the problem?

It's just, it's dangerous here.

How is this dangerous?

This is a landmine factory! One of these things goes off, you blow your arms off.

Oh, like I did, right?

Well, yeah.

Because I work in a landmine factory. and I have no arms, surely I must have blown them off.

Didn't you?

Polio. I had polio.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't...

Oh, no, no, of course, because I work in the landmine factory and I have no arms, and surely I must be no good at my job.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, you didn't think I could have polio because only hillbillies and child molesters get polio. That's what you thought, right?

Do you know how much bull poop I have to put up with for people like you that look at me and they think, oh, guy with no arms, guy works in the landmine factory, he's got to be thinking... No!

Scratch my nose.

What?

Scratch my nose, please.

No.

I got no arms. Give me a scratch, please. Thank you.

Get your hands off me, you bigot!

Do you know how miserable it is for me to go through life like this? Do you know how unhappy I am? Do you know how hard it is to hang yourself with your feet?

Hard?

It's near flippin' impossible!

Oh, I know what you're thinking, so I try something else, right? Okay, maybe I'll slit my wrist. Ha! No wrists!

And then I read a book and I find out, oh! The wrist is like the only part of the body you could die from. The wrist is like the Achilles heel of the body.

Okay, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Let's just drop this and move on.

Oh, yeah, I'll drop it with my no arms, you insensitive piece of poop.

Okay, you know what? You're really weird and mean. I'm just gonna leave.

Oh, yeah, just leave, just leave. Hey, hey, hey, get the sesame seed out of my teeth, please.

No.

I got a sesame seed. I can't get it. I got no arms. For Christ's sake, help me out. Right in the middle..

Get out of my mouth you racist! Don't come back here! You're fired!