The Pope

Now, if you're watching this, I'm probably totally dead, which sucks, but I'm sure they made a big deal out of it because I was the pope.

Okay, so here's a few things you're gonna need to know if you're gonna be the Pope, which you are.

Okay, number one, God is real. He's a giant alien with three eyes that lives in the center of the earth.

Now, angels, okay, angels are like super, super fragile. And if one gets hit by a plane or something, God gets like totally pissed. And every time an angel dies, God kills a million people, so watch out.

Okay, so you gotta hit TV, and then you hit the power button to turn it on, and then you hit cable to change through the channels, okay? Then if you wanna watch a DVD or something, you hit AUX.

Oh, by the way, as pope, you get a lifetime supply of root beer. But, a lifetime supply of root beer is not the same thing as an unlimited supply of root beer.

Supposedly, a lifetime supply of root beer is two root beers a day. What? How is that a lifetime supply? Who decided that?

And here's the really messed up thing, man. A month has 30 days, right? And you get two free root beers a day.

So, in a given month, if you only drink 55 root beers, the other five root beers don't carry over to the next month. They're just gone.

What are they afraid I'm gonna do? Do they think I'm gonna, like, drink a thousand root beers a day? I mean, I couldn't even do that if I tried, probably.

Geez man, okay, here's my day, right? I have a root beer when I wake up, I have a root beer for breakfast, then after that I have to go upstairs and use the machine.

Do you know how embarrassing that is? They have tour groups up there.

Then I have to go up and down the line of visitors being like, bless you my son, yada yada yada, may I please have a nickel? I mean, I look like a real jerk, man.

Root beer, your holiness.