Bill's Back from Vietnam

Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Howard sure do look happy ever since they got their boy Bill back from Vietnam.

Yeah, about that. Has anyone had a chance to talk to Bill since he got back?

No, man. He's been mobbed.

Yeah, he's been Mr. Popular ever since he got back from the war.

Well, I did, and I gotta say, something about him seems a little bit different.

War's crazy. Changes people.

Hey, guys. Great American barbecue, huh? Rock and roll.

Yeah.

Hey, Bill. Good to see you, man.

Yeah, buddy. Good to have you here. So, uh, how was it over there?

Beautiful country, fighting brave soldiers. But war is not for me. Good to be back in U.S. America!

Yeah, you really missed U.S. America, didn't you, Bill?

Oh, I miss my country so much. Mickey Mouse, Ferrari. Elvis Presley?

You see, I don't remember Bill being such a big Mickey Mouse fan. In fact, in high school, Bill's locker was covered with Daffy Duck posters and handwritten signs that said, Daffy Duck rocks, Mickey Mouse sucks.

Hey, Bill. Do you remember when I broke my leg in sixth grade?

Oh, yeah. I so sorry. I cry and cry all day.

Yeah. How'd I break it?

Uh... Bill get shot in head by valiant sniper hiding in tree. Very good idea, but now have amnesia not remember every little thing.

Yeah, Bill not remember every little thing like being left-handed.

What you trying to say?

Oh, I think you know what I'm trying to say.

You think I'm not real Bill?

Yeah I think you're not real Bill.

You think I only know about Elvis Presley because I sneak up and watch U.S.O show through binoculars in jungle.

Yeah, we're starting to.

You think I kill Bill, take his dog tag so I can come here, live fast life, beautiful women in American country?

Yeah, we sort of think that.

You think I come here, lay low, enroll in small liberal arts college so I can bide time till I can assassinate President Johnson when he least expect it?

Yeah, that's exactly what I think you're doing here.

You know, I may be too cowardly to go over there and fight you people, but I am not too cowardly to kick your unarmed ass at a barbecue down the street from my house!

Hey, what's a little commotion about over here?

Mr. and Mrs. H, unfortunately, we have something to tell you about Bill here.

Isn't it great to have him back?

Our boy, the war hero.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

So, you boys had something to tell us?

Yeah, you had something to tell them.

It's just really good to have him back.

You could say that again.

Well, back to the dogs.

See you, boys.

Okay, now you listen up. We're not gonna blow the whistle on you, but if you do go through with your plan and you assassinate President Johnson, that's gonna break Mr. and Mrs. H's hearts. And we can't have that.

So if you're gonna stay and be Bill, you've gotta be good.

I understand your concern. And I accept. I no kill Lyndon Johnson. You are good friends.

You're a good friend too, Bill.

Hello? Ho Chi Minh? This fake Bill. I no kill Lyndon Johnson.

See? He's calling his boss.

Yes, no. My parents are good people.

Yeah.

My friends are awesome!

Yeah!

I love my friends!

We love you, Bill!

I love America!

Yeah!

Hell yeah!

I'm so glad I killed real Bill!

Yeah, no.

Dude, that's too much.

C'mon...