theSketchDb

Baby of the Year

10 1 rating

Info

A cute baby competition has setbacks.

Quotes

0:04
Host (Sam Richardson)

Who will be the baby of the year?

0:08
Host (Sam Richardson)

Look at their rolls. Look at their folds. Look at their rummy-bummy tummies.

0:15
Host (Sam Richardson)

Heads are round, bellies are squishy. Look at their toes, like so many curled canned shrimp!

0:21
Host (Sam Richardson)

Are they ticklish? Are they jiglish? Can they be tricked? Can they be chucked?

0:27
Host (Sam Richardson)

Which ones will move? Which ones will talk? But more important, which ones can dance?

0:34
Host (Sam Richardson)

Oh! Who will be baby of the year!

0:47
Host (Sam Richardson)

Ah, welcome back. It's been a grueling three months, but we've narrowed it down to three chubby little babies.

0:54
Host (Sam Richardson)

From Southbury, North Carolina, Michael Patrick Porkins.

1:00
Host (Sam Richardson)

From Laverne, North Dakota, little Taffy Lee Fubbins.

1:08
Host (Sam Richardson)

And the bad boy of the competition, Bart Harley Jarvis!

1:14
Audience Member

FUCK YOU HARLEY JARVIS!

1:16
Audience Member

Fuck you Harley Jarvis!

1:18
Host (Sam Richardson)

Get her out! God damn it!

1:22
Host (Sam Richardson)

Judges, do you need any more information to help you with your decision?

1:25
Judge #3

I have firmly made up my mind.

1:27
Judge 1#

I would like more information.

1:30
Judge 2#

I'm a wreck right now.

1:31
Host (Sam Richardson)

I understand. This is a hard decision. Let's hear once again from the baby's pediatrician.

1:42
Dr. Skull

Baby Porkins is 99th percentile in weight and 10th percentile in height.

1:48
Host (Sam Richardson)

Ooh! We got a certified chode on our hands. A little tuna can.

1:51
Dr. Skull

Baby Fubbins is also 90th percentile in weight.

1:55
Host (Sam Richardson)

Oh, another chode.

1:56
Dr. Skull

Mr. Jarvis is one of the most aggressive babies I've ever met. He has a massive underbite and completely flat back of the head.

2:04
Audience Member

I hope you fucking die, Harley Jarvis!

2:07
Host (Sam Richardson)

Get him out of here!

2:10
Dr. Skull

I'm honestly done. I don't want to read anymore.

2:13
Host (Sam Richardson)

Yeah, don't let it ruin your day, okay? You're still a great doctor.

2:15
Host (Sam Richardson)

All right. Judges, do you need more time?

2:19
Judge #3

It's Porkins by a mile. The button nose, the apple cheeks. He's the best baby.

2:25
Judge 1#

If Taffy Lee Fubbins isn't the best baby of the year, I'll kill myself on live TV.

2:30
Judge #3

Stop saying that.

2:31
Judge 2#

All right. That's it. I have to get this off my chest.

2:37
Judge 2#

Earlier today, when I was waiting to use the private bathroom, I witnessed Michael Patrick Porkins' father performing oral on the mystery judge of the competition.

2:50
Judge 2#

I've been conflicted about whether to say anything because I feel like Michael Patrick Porkins could win it even without the oral.

2:57
Judge 2#

His father didn't need to do the oral. And that is why this is so tough for me to tell about the oral.

3:03
Host (Sam Richardson)

Oh, man, that's a bummer. Might fuck this whole thing up.

3:06
Host (Sam Richardson)

All right, while the judges make their decision, let's watch our In Memoriam segment.

3:10
Judge 2#

Oh, no.

3:11
Host (Sam Richardson)

Calm down. They're old ones. They don't stay babies forever, idiot. Fucking stupid... asshole.

3:17
Host (Sam Richardson)

Little Denny Dew Dinkins, 92, respiratory failure.

3:22
Host (Sam Richardson)

Shirley Cratsworth-Shane, 78, car crash.

3:25
Judge #3

In memoriams don't usually include how they die.

3:28
Host (Sam Richardson)

Shut. Up.

3:29
Host (Sam Richardson)

Little Jeffy Jeremy, 96, throat slashed.

3:33
Host (Sam Richardson)

Someone get her! She's trying to get Jarvis!

3:37
Host (Sam Richardson)

All right, you know what? This was dumb. Dump it. Trash it. This one's garbage.

3:44
Host (Sam Richardson)

Tiny Dinky Daffy, 92. Pancaked by drunk dump truck driver.