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What Really Happened To Abe Lincoln

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Sketch Info

At Ford's Theatre, during a bizarre production of Hamlet involving vampires, heckler Abe Lincoln (Zach) agitates audience member John Wilkes Booth (Trevor), which leads him to run up to Lincoln's booth with a hammer and hammer him in the ass to death.

Quotes

0:28
Thespian (Timmy Williams)

Oh my God Hamlet! I just saw a fucking vampire! It bit me right in the neck!

0:33
Thespian (Sam Brown)

Oh no.

0:34
Thespian (Timmy Williams)

Save yourself Hamlet. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

0:35
Thespian (Sam Brown)

Othello I will avenge you, and rid this castle of the vampire scourge that has taken this fair city.

1:01
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Oh, no! Hamlet, turn around! He turned into a vampire! He's gonna bite you!

1:08
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Oh, shit! Hamlet, I can't watch this! Hey everybody, I can't watch this!

1:13
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)

Well, some of us are trying to!

1:15
John's Wife (Darren Trumeter)

John, please.

1:16
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Who said that? Which one of y'all dead motherfucka just said that shit? Was it you, Stringbean? You skinny-ass-looking motherfucker?

1:26
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Turn around and say it again! Turn around and say it again! Turn around and say it again!

1:38
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Oh! Now you fucked up! Now you fucked up! Now you fucked up! You have fucked up now. Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up. Now you have fucked up.

1:56
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)

Mr. President, will you please be quiet!

2:00
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Suck my presidential cock, bitch. You fat-ass piece of shit. You tub of lard-looking motherfucker.

2:07
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

What! What! What! What! What! What! Hey!

2:13
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)

What?

2:14
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

What! Huh! I don't know why you're looking up at me, bitch. Play's on stage. I'm not putting on a play up here. I'm trying to be entertained right now.

2:22
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)

Mr. President, be quiet!

2:25
John's Wife (Darren Trumeter)

John, calm down.

2:27
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Listen to the woman, John! Calm down, just calm down! Calm down, just calm down!

2:34
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Hey, acting! Stop the play! Acting! Ho! Hey! Ho! I gotta go to the bathroom. I drank too much liquid, now I gotta piss.

2:47
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Rewind the play five minutes, though, because that fat piece of shit was talking. I couldn't pay attention to what you guys were doing, so rewind the plate five minutes, and you shut the fuck up!

2:54
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)

That's it. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago.

2:57
John's Wife (Darren Trumeter)

John, what are you going to do?

2:59
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)

I'm going to beat him to death with this hammer.

3:03
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Ho! What are you doing, skinny? What are you doing, you fat piece of shit? Where's he going? What's that fat piece of shit doing now?

3:09
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)

Oh, shit! He's hitting me in the butt! He's hitting my butt! Don't break my butt! Don't break my butt! He's breaking my butt!

3:21
Thespian (Timmy Williams)

Ladies and gentlemen, that is what actually happened on that fateful night all those years ago. American historians and documentarians believe that the actual events were far too embarrassing for our fledgling nation to endure. But Abraham Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much that he died of being hammered in the ass. Thank you. Good night.