Sketch Info
A speed dating event gets a celebrity surprise.
Cast & Characters
Donald Trump
Shane Gillis
· Cast
Speed Dater
Victoria Harrington
· Cast
Speed Dater
Hank Foley
· Cast
Speed Dater
Kilah Fox
· Cast
Host
Chris O'Connor
· Cast
Quotes
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
I was asked to speak at this hotel. It turns out there's some type of pussy banquet going on.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Social media. They had to take it away. I was too good.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
People say I've got bad makeup. Tana looks like someone painted her face like a clown. That's what we're gonna call her. Tana, It the clown. She looks like him. She looks like she should be in a sewer, bothering children.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
I'm disgusting? I saw you walk in, I said, who's this? Is this a pig? I didn't know they were letting pigs in.
Speed Dater (Victoria Harrington)
You're a dictator.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Old sage, what a loser. What a loser she was. Somebody needs to tell her that her pussy stinks.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
When you walked in, I could practically smell you. Your vagina stinks. Smelled up the whole room.
Speed Dater (Victoria Harrington)
No one here is gonna go on a date with you. You know what?
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
There'll be no problem there. I'll get a date. You won't. There's gonna be so many dates, people. Whoa, this guy has so many dates. You? None.
Speed Dater (Joan Chak)
This is pretty exciting. I've never been on a date with a white guy before.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Hit the buzzer.
Speed Dater (Joan Chak)
I mean, I'm just wondering what it would be like with something a little smaller.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Let me stop you there, Elaine.
Speed Dater (Joan Chak)
I don't know who sat in this chair before me, but it stinks.
Speed Dater (Hank Foley)
Any interest?
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
You're gay.
Speed Dater (Hank Foley)
Hey, blame the dairy industry.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
I would never suck a guy's dick. But if I did, it'd be one of the best sucks he's ever had.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
You know, I did, I polled very well with the blacks. How am I polling with you?
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
You're the ugliest. Do me a favor. Could you take your gigantic perfect tits and leave?
Speed Dater (Kilah Fox)
Do you like my shirt? I got the deal, the special, at the tackle shop. There's a two for one at the tackle. At the tackle shop. The bait and tackle. I can get you one. It's two for one.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Wow.
Speed Dater (Kilah Fox)
How are you, Mr. President?
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Well...
Speed Dater (Kilah Fox)
I'm great especially since you... Since you exposed all the Jews that were put in 5G in my brain that wanted the meth.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
How are you at oral sex?
Speed Dater (Kilah Fox)
Pretty good, to be honest. My teeth come out.
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
Siobhan, how would you like to go on a date with Donald Trump?
Speed Dater (Kilah Fox)
Yes! Finally! Oh my God, I won. Did I win?
Donald Trump (Shane Gillis)
I got head...