Sketch Info
During a play at Ford’s Theatre, John Wilkes Booth (Trevor) repeatedly assaults Abraham Lincoln (Zach) with items such as a phone book, an orange, and his shoe, and even throws his stovepipe hat off of the balcony. Lincoln constantly calls for his security guard (Darren), when all he wants to do is enjoy the play in peace with his wife Mary (Timmy).
Cast & Characters
Abraham Lincoln
Zach Cregger
· Cast
Mary Lincoln
Timmy Williams
· Cast
John Wilkes Booth
Trevor Moore
· Cast
Security Guard
Darren Trumeter
· Cast
Quotes
Attendant (Sam Brown)
Mr. President, would you like anything before the second act begins?
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Yeah, I would love a Diet Coke, please.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
And I will have a birch beer.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
She'll have a Diet birch beer. Thank you.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Oh, honey, by the way, I almost forgot. Congratulations on winning the Civil War.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it had some ups and downs, some peaks and valleys, but I'd say, all in all, as wars go, I think it went pretty well.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Oh, and I heard from Becky, who heard from Gloria, that the British are going to invade again.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Really?
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Yes, uh, Gloria heard it at her bridge club.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
At her bridge club?
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Yeah, you might want to think about attacking them or something.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Yeah, I'm not really worried about that, Mary.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Well, you weren't really worried about the South seceding from the Union either, and look what happened there.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
I was worried about that. That's all I- Oh!
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Sic semper tyrannis!
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Ow! What does that mean? Who... What is that, a phone book?
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Sic semper, tyrannis!
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Security!
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Hey, what's the problem over here?
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
This guy just wandered in and he hit me in the head with a phone book.
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Hey, is that true?
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Why don't you stay out of it?
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
What did you say to me?
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Nothing.
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Get out of the theater!
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Make me.
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
I'm sorry about that, Mr. President. Everything okay?
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
My head hurts.
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Well, enjoy the show, okay? All right. Let me know if you need anything.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
You know, you shouldn't just write off what Gloria has to say. She has a knack for these sorts of things.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
I'm not gonna invade England, Mary.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Well, just think about it.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
I'm not gonna think about it. All right, can we change the subject? How are you enjoying the play?
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
I like plays.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
I know you do.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Oh, by the way, are we still going to go to the Wagner's for dinner tomorrow evening?
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
That's tomorrow evening?
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
I don't even know why I'd tell you anything, Abe. You know, you'd forget your own butthole if it wasn't glued to the back of your balls.
Mary, language, jeez- Oww!
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Sic semper tyrannis!
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
What is that an orange? Security!
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
What? Hey, hey! I told you to get out! Asshole.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Oranges really hurt.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
I told you so.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
You told me what?
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
I told you last year.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
You told me last year some guy was going to hit me in the head with an orange?
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Well, obviously you don't remember-
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Sic semper tyrannis!
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Hey! Hey! Security!
Hey, hey! Get out of here! Jeez! Douchebag!
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
That man is a troublemaker.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
He threw my hat away.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Forget about it, Abe.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
But I always want to wear that hat now.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Forget about the hat, Abraham.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
But I want that to be my thing. I told you.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Well, you still have the beard, okay? That's good enough. Just be quiet and relax, and let's watch the rest of the play, okay?
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Now that guy's wearing my hat.
Mary Lincoln (Timmy Williams)
Shh! What are you doing? You look like a crazy person.
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
I don't know if you've noticed, Mary, but there's a man who's been assaulting me lately.
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Eat shoe, tyrant!
Abraham Lincoln (Zach Cregger)
Ow! Ow! Security!
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Hey buddy, I told you to get out of the theater!
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
I got out of the theater, then I came back in the theater!
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Yeah, I see you got back in the theater. You're gonna march your ass right back out of the theater!
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
I'm gonna march out of this theater, then come back with a gun and shoot this guy in the head!
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
You don't got the balls!
John Wilkes Booth (Trevor Moore)
Ah nuts to you!
Security Guard (Darren Trumeter)
Get the fuck out of the theater!